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[personal profile] punkjoanofarc
I am pretty sure that all of this wedding planning is the culprit behind the stuff from my past that keeps coming up. I'm nervous about who(m) to invite. Will they come? Will they claim that it's too far? Will they say something evil about my "sinful lifestyle"? I'm on pretty good terms with my aunts, but they're also stubbornly religious women. 

What if none of my family comes? It makes me feel like an orphan, and in weird, petty ways that make me hate myself, I resent Ryan for her family that is overflowing with love and positive thoughts. 

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from thinking about all of this. I'm exhausted from anxiety. I'm exhausted from the long wedding we attended this weekend, and from my friends who are visiting from out of town. I'm exhausted from this zine fest and the shoe and riot grrrl philly. 

I know how blessed I am. I have amazing friends. I'm involved with such rewarding projects and organizations. I have neighbors who bring hot cocoa to my door on days that I can't get out of my own head.

I'm trying to write all of this stuff down, but some of it is too big to wrap my head around. 
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Sarah Sawyers-Lovett

May 2015

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